I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
