alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Text me some of your sweat
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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