chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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