True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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