So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
