went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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