Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
