yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard