so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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