Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
