Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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