booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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