Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
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i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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