We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
