tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
