It's like God shit irony all over that family
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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