Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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