were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I need water and some morals
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
