Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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