i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
