Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
