need another drink. this is the easiest way
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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