And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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