i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
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He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
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GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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