You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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