God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Every concussion has its silver lining
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
