I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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