i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
