im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
