Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
