4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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