Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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