So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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