I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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