im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
