I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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