His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
