I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
