sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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