You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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