Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My bed smells like the plague
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
