Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
