Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
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I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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