Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
