this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
