I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
