I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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