id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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