Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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