I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
