Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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