Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
